I usually reserve Sunday posts for Conversations that I have with you and those who write in.
However, not only is today special (It’s my birthday — whoo hoo), it’s also the end of what has been a personal struggle with self sabotage in a project I participated in.
I knew when the project was complete I would write about it for my blog, because it will show you that you’re not alone in the struggle. That even those of us who have traveled around the sun a LOT of years, can still face the saboteur in our lives.
Let’s begin.
I am part of a team at work who attended training for a certification program. I was initially excited about the training because it was an outside, highly respected, organization and the certification would “say” something about my skills.
The training was actually very good (I’m a tough critic at this age! :)) And I’m such a “good” student that I took copious notes. Feeling incredibly confident at the end of the three-day session I thought, I’m just going to take the certification exam before I leave work and put this behind me. It also helped that this was the Thursday before Memorial Day weekend. I really wanted to get it over with an enjoy my time off.
Well, I took the timed exam and it immediately scores you at the end. I went in expecting to get at least an 80% even though passing was simply a 70%. I felt so good at the end, even though some of the questions were tricky. But I’m a smart girl, great notes, open book test…
I scored a 50%!!!!
I was shocked!
Nope, failed.
I NOW understood why the instructor kept reminding us that you can take the test as many times as needed to pass. This was no joke!
“Partially” ruined a long holiday weekend…
When I returned, after the weekend, I was still “smarting” from the failure that I avoided taking the exam. I decided I’ll take it when I’m in the right “head space” to take it. So I found a little courage, reviewed my notes and took it again.
60%!!!
This is nuts, I told myself. I know how to take exams, took them all my life…what’s wrong with me??? And as we do in life, I decided to just avoid taking the exam altogether.
Fast forward a month later and I decided I can’t let this defeat me…sound familiar? I took the time to review my notes, go through the reference guide, page by page. I created a quick guide to find key points without wasting time looking (remember it’s both timed and open book!). I was ready, willing and able to knock this sucker out!
68%
This was breaking me down. I don’t fail, not multiple times. I learn very quickly from my mistakes and course correct easily. The ONLY thing I could take solace in was that I was improving my score each time…yet it was an utter devastation for someone who thinks she knows her stuff.
But then…
Word came down from leadership that we needed to pass the exam by the end of July. I got the message on the Tuesday before. It was now or never.
I spent a couple of days reviewing my notes, past exam corrections and getting crystal clear on my approach for this next time. I meditate daily, but this time I asked for peace in my mind, body and soul. I asked to know “when” to take the exam and for better and better results.
When I signed on to take it, I felt at peace and was not nervous about the answers nor finding the answers in the book. I knew to trust my first answer and NOT to change them.
I completed the 50 minute exam in 48 minutes and felt really, really good about the results.
I hit the “finished” button and held my breath.
72%
Ok, so we’re all human right? I was overjoyed to have FINALLY passed the damn exam…but what did I do immediately after? I got mad that it wasn’t a higher score!!
WTF!
THIS is what we do to ourselves. Create a goal, a bar to get over, or a target to hit and when we achieve it, we don’t celebrate, take a deep breath and move on.
The first thing my boss said was…
”All good, you stuck with it and did the work, congrats.”
Now THAT’s what I should have said to myself! And that’s what I’ll leave you with…
When it gets tough and you don’t see a way forward, you may even avoid it like I did, just remember…it’s all good, stick with it and do the work.
And I’ll say congrats in advance, for just being human…:)
~ Fear nothing. Love everything.
