Dear Chris,
I often struggle with asking for what I really want.
What’s THAT about?
Signed,
Tongue tied in a bow
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Hi Tongue tied in a bow,
The GOOD news…you’re not alone.
The GREAT news…you’re not alone.
Even skilled politicians fail to ask for what they TRULY want. For the very same reason that you and I stumble, struggle and just don’t say what we really mean.
There can be a number of reasons you’re experiencing this.
One, you may not be entirely sure what you really want.
Two, you may not be sure that the person you’re speaking to can give you what you want.
Three, you don’t think you deserve what you want.
And, of course there may be more…depending on what it is you want.
Let’s tackle the three above and perhaps you’ll get some insights and tools to help with what else may be lurking below the surface.
You’re not entirely sure what you really want:
Is it bigger than a breadbox? Sorry I don’t mean to be flip, however, have you become crystal clear about what it is that you want?
Here’s an example…
A client of mine wanted a new job. They weren’t thrilled with what they were doing and knew they had so much more to offer. So they went on the hunt. They wanted the usual…more money, higher level of responsibility, different team, etc. Suddenly, they were offered a new position that MATCHED the skills they had and they didn’t have to leave where they were. When faced with this new offer, they said, well this is what I REALLY wanted. I wish I knew to ask for this instead.
Happy ending sure, but my hope is that they remember this experience for the next time they ask for what they want…
Which is to be clear, first.
You may not be sure you’re speaking to the right person.
It’s like the car-buying game. You’re talking to the salesperson and they use that infamous line, “let me go talk to my manager.” You know, the manager that doesn’t exist. (Thank you Fargo, the movie, for proving that point!)
Before you ask for what you want, you must be clear about what that is. Next, you have to be sure you’re in front of the right person to ask.
A personal example.
When I was on a team that wasn’t using my skills, I mentioned to my manager that I’d like to do something else. His response? Just hang in there. Ugh. So when I was on a conference call with HIS boss, I mentioned to her that I wanted a stretch assignment to leverage my skills.
I used this language for two reasons.
One, it wouldn’t look to my boss that I was going over his head to get what I wanted. And two, executives LOVE when people ask for growth opportunities. It makes them feel like proud career developers. (Having been one, I know…smile) I GOT the stretch assignment and it opened the doors to a new opportunity and three awards in one year.
You just gotta know who you’re talking to. Can they give you what you want? If they can’t who can? Then seek them out, after you’re clear of course, and unwrap that bow around your tongue my friend!
You may not think you deserve what you want.
For me, this is actually the biggest reason and the easiest to solve.
We’re always told to just be grateful for what we have. As if wanting something or something more means we’re just a bunch of ingrates! So not true. We wouldn’t have all that we have to be grateful for if we didn’t ask for more, right?
I want you to hear me on this.
People who talk about being grateful and appreciative have their own scarcity issues. Don’t let them infect you.
We are ALWAYS grateful and appreciative. And we are ALWAYS entitled to more. More allows you to help others by your example: to show them what’s possible, to give them options, to make it alright for them in this life’s journey.
You deserve what you want because having the desire for more in this life is a blessing.
Consider the opposite.
You have no desire for more, you just exist allowing each day to come and go. No hope, no wishes, nothing. What kind of existence is that?
You deserve what you want…plain and simple.
“Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.” ~ Marianne Williamson
Now, get clear on what it is (and it can and probably will shift and change over time…that’s ok!), then be sure to ask the RIGHT person and finally, KNOW that you deserve it because you uplift others by example.
Hope that helps Tongue tied in a bow!
~ Fear nothing. Love everything.
