Damn it Chris,
I continue to struggle with setting boundaries and following through if a boundary is violated. I’m tired of having to redraw another line instead.
What can I do to end this cycle?
Signed,
A line in the sand
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Hey a line in the sand,
Thank you for this conversation… I’m sure many people like you (and me!) would benefit from honoring our boundaries and not redrawing lines when pushed.
Let’s think about why we have to have boundaries in the first place.
Without a doubt there are some people who just feel entitled, or they may have been disrespected or they may be having a bad day, and want to share the misery. Given other circumstances they might think twice about pushing you beyond your boundaries.
Perhaps they’ve gotten away with it in the past and know that we’ll crumble when pushed. Or we just don’t let them know that they’ve crossed the line.
No matter what THEIR reason may be and perhaps it’s none of our business what it is, you are ALSO entitled to whatever boundary you establish.
I think there are times when we KNOW they’ve crossed the line and we don’t want to tell them for fear of offending them. How ironic… They have no problem offending us by crossing our line.
It comes down to this, line in the sand, we can either stand up for ourselves or essentially bow down to boundary pushers. You wouldn’t ask if bowing down was an option for you.
So the next step we have to take is to create “non-offending” language that makes it clear and convincingly powerful, that they are up to or are crossing the line.
Here are some considerations for that conversation with boundary pushers/crossers:
- While I’d really like to help you with this one, someone else beat you to it so I’m just not available.
- This may be a good time to exit stage left (with a little chuckle) and then moving away physically.
- It’s important for me to maintain our friendship, because you mean a lot to me, so I won’t be able to do that for you.
- I just want to take a minute to think about whether I can support this with my whole being or half-ass it…which would you prefer?
You see it sometimes takes the “right” words to set the “right” tone and expectation.
I’ll give you a personal example of this. My manager asked me to speak to someone on his behalf. I didn’t feel comfortable because I knew he was in the wrong. He was essentially crossing a boundary, right? So how did I respond to the man who affects my livelihood? I said…
“I choose not to enter the ring.”
His response? I respect that.
When we find the right words to clearly and convincingly communicate that “uh issa no” then we have preserved our dignity and also let them preserve theirs.
I hope that helps and please know that we all come up against this in our personal and professional lives. It’s a muscle we build over time to let people know where our boundaries are and what will happen if they’re crossed.
Keep the line firm and your wit sharp, a line in the sand!
~ Fear nothing. Love everything.
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Thank you.